Gracious - Post 5

I noticed as I looked over "The List" last night that forgiving isn't included.  I think if I can truly embrace being gracious, forgiveness just takes care of itself.  But this part of being gracious is a tough one.  As a human being (and as a woman), I find it a lot easier to give other people the benefit of the doubt, cut them some slack and overlook weaknesses.  However, I find it really hard to do the same when I am dealing with myself.  I tend to compare all of my faults to everyone else's strengths.  I beat myself up over things that I have said (or haven't said), things that I have done (or haven't done), thoughts that I think (or don't think but think that I should think), opportunities I miss,  the numerous lbs AND wrinkles I have gained over the past twenty years, etc. I seem to be able to remember mistakes I've made from years ago far better than I can remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday!

I judge myself very harshly and am by far, my worst critic.  I find it very easy to list everything I am doing wrong or think I am doing wrong.  While I am not a perfectionist by any means (my daughter is and WOW does that create a whole new dimension of beating yourself up), I still have high expectations for myself - that golden standard.

I need to be the perfect wife - the one that always greets her husband at the door after work with a smile and a kiss and a happy greeting (never the one who greets him holding a screaming child with one hand, the car keys in the other hand and a growl that is interpreted as "It's your turn now").  The wife/homemaker who keeps a perfectly clean house, has a fabulous dinner cooked by the same time every night (including foods from all of the food groups in perfect balance and served on nice dishes with candles on the table), and the laundry is ALWAYS caught up - never an item of dirty clothes anywhere in the house.

 I need to be the perfect mom - you know, the one that is never distracted by Facebook or Pinterest, always has a warm homemade snack waiting for the kids when they get home from school, has daily scripture study with the family for 30 minutes plus at least 30 minutes of family exercise and/or yoga, plays Barbies and Hot Wheels cars with the kids for hours on end, followed by outside soccer games, trampoline jumping - all while teaching them meaningful Gospel lessons AND their multiplication tables, a foreign language and how to diagram sentences.  Oh, and the most important part, I would NEVER, EVER lose my cool.  EVER.  I would always speak in a sweet tone, using please and thank you. 

If you think I measure up to that standard, you think wrong.  And I beat myself up over it.  Anytime my kids bring home a grade that is less than decent, or they get caught in a lie, or they don't obey, or they hit one each other, or they don't do their chores, or have atrocious table manners, or they talk back to their teacher, etc, etc; I am fairly certain it is because I failed as a mom.  I didn't do something right.  I didn't teach them well enough.  I wasn't a good example. 

Maybe these seem like trivial things.  But they weigh me down - some days more than others.  I have my pity party days when nothing I do seems to be right, when every choice I make seems to backfire and everything I do seems to not work. And I don't cut myself slack.  It doesn't matter that I am exhausted after being up two nights in a row with a sick kid.  It doesn't matter that I am trying to juggle ten things (all good things) at once and I just lose it.  It doesn't matter that the child I snapped at and yelled at has been pushing every button I have for the entire day.  Those things just don't seem to matter to me when I am holding myself up against that standard that I've created for myself.

A few years ago in Sunday School, there was a lesson about forgiveness.  The man teaching was talking about forgiving others.  He mentioned that when we aren't willing to forgive others, we are basically saying the person who wronged us is not worth the Atonement of Christ.  That person wasn't loved enough of God, that Christ wasn't willing to suffer and die for their "sins" or the wrong that they had committed against us.   Of course we know that Christ suffered for the sins, wrong doings (whether intentional or not intentional), pains and heartbreak of each of us. 

So what am I saying when I am not willing to forgive myself of the things I do wrong?  "I'm sorry, Elder Brother, I know that you suffered for everyone else but I refuse to think that you suffered for me, for every time I yell at my kids or tell a tiny white lie, or spread one piece of gossip, or judge someone, or don't fulfill a calling to the best of my ability. I am not of worth enough for you to have done that for me."

I don't think that is how it works.  I think at that point, Christ would look me in the eye, with tears running down His face and tell me that He suffered for me too. For every little thing.  And He did it so that I don't have to berate myself over and over for something that I did wrong.  He suffered for the big things and the tiny things and everything in between. He suffered so I won't have to BECAUSE I AM OF WORTH TO HIM AND HE LOVES ME.

Pres. Uchtdorf said in the April 2012 Conference:  "When the Lord requires that we forgive all men, that includes forgiving ourselves.  Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive - as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of forgiveness - is the person looking at us in the mirror."

So this week, I am going to try harder - not to excuse my behavior, but to see myself as Christ sees me - as one who is trying hard and who slips up sometimes.  And the world doesn't end when I slip up.  I can feel sad, and ask for forgiveness of those I have wronged and then, I can LET IT GO.