Gracious - Post 5

I noticed as I looked over "The List" last night that forgiving isn't included.  I think if I can truly embrace being gracious, forgiveness just takes care of itself.  But this part of being gracious is a tough one.  As a human being (and as a woman), I find it a lot easier to give other people the benefit of the doubt, cut them some slack and overlook weaknesses.  However, I find it really hard to do the same when I am dealing with myself.  I tend to compare all of my faults to everyone else's strengths.  I beat myself up over things that I have said (or haven't said), things that I have done (or haven't done), thoughts that I think (or don't think but think that I should think), opportunities I miss,  the numerous lbs AND wrinkles I have gained over the past twenty years, etc. I seem to be able to remember mistakes I've made from years ago far better than I can remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday!

I judge myself very harshly and am by far, my worst critic.  I find it very easy to list everything I am doing wrong or think I am doing wrong.  While I am not a perfectionist by any means (my daughter is and WOW does that create a whole new dimension of beating yourself up), I still have high expectations for myself - that golden standard.

I need to be the perfect wife - the one that always greets her husband at the door after work with a smile and a kiss and a happy greeting (never the one who greets him holding a screaming child with one hand, the car keys in the other hand and a growl that is interpreted as "It's your turn now").  The wife/homemaker who keeps a perfectly clean house, has a fabulous dinner cooked by the same time every night (including foods from all of the food groups in perfect balance and served on nice dishes with candles on the table), and the laundry is ALWAYS caught up - never an item of dirty clothes anywhere in the house.

 I need to be the perfect mom - you know, the one that is never distracted by Facebook or Pinterest, always has a warm homemade snack waiting for the kids when they get home from school, has daily scripture study with the family for 30 minutes plus at least 30 minutes of family exercise and/or yoga, plays Barbies and Hot Wheels cars with the kids for hours on end, followed by outside soccer games, trampoline jumping - all while teaching them meaningful Gospel lessons AND their multiplication tables, a foreign language and how to diagram sentences.  Oh, and the most important part, I would NEVER, EVER lose my cool.  EVER.  I would always speak in a sweet tone, using please and thank you. 

If you think I measure up to that standard, you think wrong.  And I beat myself up over it.  Anytime my kids bring home a grade that is less than decent, or they get caught in a lie, or they don't obey, or they hit one each other, or they don't do their chores, or have atrocious table manners, or they talk back to their teacher, etc, etc; I am fairly certain it is because I failed as a mom.  I didn't do something right.  I didn't teach them well enough.  I wasn't a good example. 

Maybe these seem like trivial things.  But they weigh me down - some days more than others.  I have my pity party days when nothing I do seems to be right, when every choice I make seems to backfire and everything I do seems to not work. And I don't cut myself slack.  It doesn't matter that I am exhausted after being up two nights in a row with a sick kid.  It doesn't matter that I am trying to juggle ten things (all good things) at once and I just lose it.  It doesn't matter that the child I snapped at and yelled at has been pushing every button I have for the entire day.  Those things just don't seem to matter to me when I am holding myself up against that standard that I've created for myself.

A few years ago in Sunday School, there was a lesson about forgiveness.  The man teaching was talking about forgiving others.  He mentioned that when we aren't willing to forgive others, we are basically saying the person who wronged us is not worth the Atonement of Christ.  That person wasn't loved enough of God, that Christ wasn't willing to suffer and die for their "sins" or the wrong that they had committed against us.   Of course we know that Christ suffered for the sins, wrong doings (whether intentional or not intentional), pains and heartbreak of each of us. 

So what am I saying when I am not willing to forgive myself of the things I do wrong?  "I'm sorry, Elder Brother, I know that you suffered for everyone else but I refuse to think that you suffered for me, for every time I yell at my kids or tell a tiny white lie, or spread one piece of gossip, or judge someone, or don't fulfill a calling to the best of my ability. I am not of worth enough for you to have done that for me."

I don't think that is how it works.  I think at that point, Christ would look me in the eye, with tears running down His face and tell me that He suffered for me too. For every little thing.  And He did it so that I don't have to berate myself over and over for something that I did wrong.  He suffered for the big things and the tiny things and everything in between. He suffered so I won't have to BECAUSE I AM OF WORTH TO HIM AND HE LOVES ME.

Pres. Uchtdorf said in the April 2012 Conference:  "When the Lord requires that we forgive all men, that includes forgiving ourselves.  Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive - as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of forgiveness - is the person looking at us in the mirror."

So this week, I am going to try harder - not to excuse my behavior, but to see myself as Christ sees me - as one who is trying hard and who slips up sometimes.  And the world doesn't end when I slip up.  I can feel sad, and ask for forgiveness of those I have wronged and then, I can LET IT GO. 

Gracious 4

I know, not a very long post today.  But this introduces the next focus of graciousness so well.  Just think about what this says.  If you want to share, what do you beat yourself up about?

Gracious - Post 3

So....how can I be gracious in daily life?  Well......I could remember my manners.  Say please and thank you and excuse me.  Those are great ideas.  But do those things really make a difference in the eternities?  Probably not.  Okay, maybe a little. 

I am currently reading a great book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  One thing she talks about in the book is to basically give people the benefit of the doubt.  If someone cuts you off in traffic, instead of grumbling or heaven forbid, calling them a name and yelling out the car window at them while blaring your horn, you cut them some slack.  I think I'm going to try to make up an explanation for their behavior.  It will probably be something completely outlandish - like, wow, I bet his wife is in labor with their twentieth child and he is hurrying to the hospital. 

Maybe that lady who cut in front of you in the line at the pharmacy is picking up medicine for her ailing parent and she can only be away from their bedside for fifteen minutes.

Maybe the checker at the grocery store was cranky and made a mistake ringing up your purchases. Maybe she was preoccupied because her husband just lost his job and she can't figure out how they are going to pay their bills.

Maybe the customer who left you a really lousy tip is paying for cancer treatments for his daughter and just had to treat himself to a nice lunch to cheer himself up but honestly had no money left for a tip, even though he thought he did.

Maybe your best friend forgot your birthday.  But maybe it was because she spent the day at the hospital holding the hand of her grandparent as they passed away.

To me, that is being gracious.  Realizing that there are ALWAYS circumstances that we don't know about that may influence someone's behavior towards us AND then being not only understanding, but also KIND and MERCIFUL towards them is one part of being gracious in my mind. Heavenly Father can see our extenuating circumstances.  Because of this, He knows when to extend mercy and how much.  We don't have that advantage.  We are required to "forgive all men". Or to be gracious to all men (and women and children).

Gracious - Post 2

Wow.  I am sooooo glad that I am not working on the worldly definition of gracious.  Somehow, I just can't picture Julie Andrews spending the late afternoon like I did today.  My hubby and I went hiking - maybe hiking isn't the best word, hiking usually involves following a trail.  We went trail blazing, trying to find a good place to hunt deer this weekend.  I climbed up rockslides and dry streambeds.  It seemed a bit steep going up but it was NOTHING compared to going down!  My dear hubby is as sure footed as a mountain goat and was perfectly content and even graceful as he made his way back down the mountain.  Not this girl!  Oh no!  He said it was just like skiing.  I had to remind him that the only time I have gone skiing, I ended up in the same position that I was in today.  Flat on my rear.  And both times, I was speeding out of control down a slippery slope.  The snow was a lot softer.  And I was a bit more cushioned in my layers of down to keep myself warm.  Today, I was in a pair of jeans - which I may add, are now in the garbage - a light sweater and some cheap hiking boots.  Next time, I'll wear more padding. I can't wait to see the bruises tomorrow. 

However, I did do a lot of thinking about my mercy/grace vs justice conundrum.  I can't take all the credit.  I did pick the brain of my therapist who knows me pretty well after 4 years of working with me and my family. (Yes, we do have a therapist.  I highly recommend it.  I also am on anti-anxiety/depression meds. Full disclosure in this blog!)  Anyway, as I asked her for some ideas, she suggested that the mercy or graciousness isn't so much on lessoning the consequence, it is how I handle giving the consequence - especially as a mom. 

Example:

My 6 year old punches his sister in the chest (never happens - I wish).  There would be a couple of ways to handle it.  The non-gracious way would be very punitive, mean and harsh.  The gracious way (and in an ideal world), I would use a calm tone of voice, explain why the consequence was being given, follow through with the consequence and then after the time out (or whatever the consequence was), sit down with the child, give them a hug or put your arm around them and explain once again that because of their choice, they had to have a consequence.  Then discuss what they have learned from the experience. 

The gracious way is a teaching way while the non-gracious way is more of a payback, eye for an eye way of handling discipline.  Because the consequence is still carried out, it appeals to my sense of justice. Because it is handled in a loving way, it appeals to my developing sense of graciousness. 

However, in the situation that we had tonight where the 6 year old did throw a punch, I simply backed away and let my hubby deal with it.  Neither gracious or non-gracious - kinda cowardly actually.  But after dealing with bickering all day since all four of the kiddos are out of school, I figured it was his turn. I'm a team player like that.  :)

Gracious - Post 1

Picture a gracious woman in your mind.  Maybe you think of a fairly proper British woman asking you to sit down for tea - someone like Julie Andrews in the Princess Diaries movies.  Or maybe you think of good ol' Southern hospitality - a woman asking you to "come and sit a spell".  What is that woman wearing?  In my minds eye, she is wearing something nice and extremely classy.  She feels completely at ease using fine china tea cups and never spills a drop of ANYTHING. 

If that is the definition of gracious, I have a LOOOOOONG way to go.  I am most comfortable wearing warm up pants, fleece sweatshirts and fuzzy socks.  The only tea I've tried is herbal and I thought it tasted like sticks and dirt.  I don't even own any fine china and chances are, if I "sit a spell", I would probably fall asleep.

I think many of us picture the term "gracious host" and think of June Cleaver.  June Cleaver I am not. 

So I did a bit of research about the word gracious.  The "world" (aka Webster's dictionary) defines gracious as: 1) Pleasantly kind or courteous  2) characterized by good taste, comfort or luxury

I'm guessing that Heavenly Father isn't too interested in comfort, luxury and good taste. I think His definition of gracious is the first one. 

As a matter of fact, His definition is KIND AND MERCIFUL.

Psalms 145:8 reads - The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger and of great mercy.

Kind, I can usually do.  Merciful - not so much.  I am pretty big into the thought that choices deserve consequences.  Good choices yield good consequences.  Bad choices yield bad consequences. Justice always rules in my world.  I jokingly blame it on being a Libra. :)

I'm a mean mom.  I admit it.  If my kids forget their homework, I don't take it to them at school.  If they miss the bus because they are dragging their feet, I will drive them to school BUT they owe me 10 minutes of chores (the amount of time it takes to drive them to school).  They don't get a freebie. 

However, as I studied about being gracious last night, I realized that a huge part is imparting grace - or forgiveness, or mercy, whatever term you want to use - to those around me. 

Heavenly Father gave us His Son, not to excuse us from consequences, but to make it possible that even after we try our hardest and still fall short of the goal, the difference is made up.  I had a teacher once who explained it this way - we are at the bottom of a big pit.  We have stacked up all the rocks we can find and climbed up as far as we could climb.  But still, we can't reach the top to get out of the pit.  We are three feet too short.  Then a rope ladder is lowered, allowing us to climb up.  Christ is that rope ladder.  We can't be saved by works alone, His grace is needed. I am so grateful for this principle.

Likewise, in my life, people will fall short of my expectations.  Experiences won't  be exactly what I want them to be.  Choices, both by others and by myself, that hurt me.  Sometimes the pain will be more than I think I can bear.  I will be disappointed and heartbroken.  But, if I become a woman that is gracious, I will be kind, merciful and impart grace to myself and those around me.  I will realize that grace and mercy are as much part of God's plan as is justice.  Now - just to figure out how to actually apply this principle!